My Heart Hurts

Hello friends! Happy Tuesday.

In my last post, I briefly mentioned someone I had met at GriefShare. I also mentioned how much I liked and cared for this person. I’m not mentioning any names because I’m sure that would probably upset him. If he reads this, I’m sure he’ll figure it out. Anyway, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his wife’s death. I’m hurting inside for him so much. I know how much these firsts and anniversary dates can be. I just don’t want to say the wrong things. I just want him to know that I care so deeply. I haven’t felt this kind of hurt in my heart in a while. I want to help and be there as good as a friend can be. I’ve lost loved ones but not a spouse, at least not in that way. My spousal loss hurt tremendously at the time but it’s just not the same. I need a hug.

I’m going to be honest and this may upset people and I can say that I’m sorry that I’ve thought this way. Back when I first got divorced, there were times when I wish I’d have lost him to death. I felt like that would’ve been easier than dealing with seeing him move on with such happiness without me. I’m so ashamed for feeling that way. But I was so angry and hurt at first. Sometimes I still hurt, but not because I don’t have him anymore. I hurt more because I’m just feeling lonely and ready to move on myself with someone to love and love me back. Loneliness sucks! I know that I have no control over this and that me finding love is not in my hands. I have to be patient and wait for the right one for me. One of my fears is being alone for the rest of my life.

Dear God please forgive me for thinking such thoughts. I’m still working through things. I’ll be honest, I was angry at God for a while. I wondered why it felt like my ex was being rewarded for such behavior. He has a girlfriend, is happy and didn’t lose a house and have so much hardship. I just read something though. It said “The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow.” This made me feel a bit better to think that the rainbow that I’ll eventually see is going to be bright and beautiful because I’ll tell you, the last couple years have been quite horrific. I’m still here to talk about it though even though there were times I felt I’d be better off dead. I’m glad I never followed through with those thoughts.

I feel I’m so much stronger as a result of all I’ve been dealing with. But some days, not so much. I’m feeling rather weak today. My heart and stomach are just flipping around. Perhaps I’ll have to take another trip to my happy place? I just went there yesterday. I feel self care is so important though. The lakeshore with the sound of the waves is my happy place. It really soothes my soul.

To my friend…my heart is with you now and as long as you’ll have me. I will be thinking about you and praying for comfort over the next few days and always. I love you more than I thought possible.

Thanks everyone for the support and kind words.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

Dottie May ❤