Overwhelming Morning

Today started extremely rough. My pain was so bad…at least a 10. I was literally afraid to try getting out of bed for fear of damaging my feet and knees. I sat there and just cried and cried. I’m at my aunts for the weekend and I am thankful she heard me and came to ask if I needed help. Why do I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? And why am I so hesitant to ask for help? I feel like I need to be superwoman or something. My neck and shoulders were so knotted and tight. I was completely overwhelmed. My aunt put some of my Voltaren gel on my shoulders and neck and massaged them. She helped me get to the restroom.

The mornings are the absolute worst for me. I need to accept the fact that I need mobility aids at this time. These pains and my poor walking makes me think of my mom. She was bedridden in her last days. I get so much panic and anxiety that the same things are happening to me. But I gotta keep telling myself that I’m not my mom. This trauma sucks. Yes I’m dealing with that too PTSD. I’m thankful for my aunt talking me down and helping me get through. I took my meds. They gave me Lyrica and it made me drowsy. I ended up falling asleep again. I kind of felt like I had a buzz. My uncle said it looked like I did. But I was just trying to get through the panic.

Mental illness and pain is no joke! I need to pound it in my head that asking for help is okay…as is using mobility aids. I need to learn that it’s okay to focus on myself. I don’t have to save the worlds problems. I also prayed too.

It’s now 3:46 pm and I’m doing much better. Still in pain but nowhere near as bad.

Thank God and family and friends for help.

Peace and Love,

❤ Dottie

Meant to be a Daddy’s Girl

Hello Friends…How are you? I’m doing pretty good. Well actually I’m feeling a little bit of anxiety thinking about tomorrow. I have an appointment with a new doctor and I also have therapy. But that’s not what this post is about.

In therapy last week I discussed a lot. I’m having a lot of revelations. I’m starting to remember some of the good times when I was a kid. I’m relating to my dad more and more although he’s deceased. I have always envied daddy/daughter relationships and they made me very emotional. My dad made some bad decisions. But we all do. I remember being quite young and never being able to have friends come over to the house. I was always quiet and reserved. I wasn’t like the other kids and I’m learning that that’s okay and even good. I remember being afraid of my dad. I remember wanting to please him so he would show me how proud he was of me. I never liked myself. I thought I was fat, ugly, unworthy. My dad was toxic. The drugs and alcohol made him stupid; but it was his way of coping with all the challenges they had like divorcing. Boy, I feel like I’m struggling with this more than I anticipated. A little letter to my dad:

Dear Dad:

I’m going through a lot dad. What I have is what I believe you had. PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know losing your father at a very young age like you did had to be very challenging. I know that getting in that bad accident that killed your friend from school had to be so impossible to recover from. I don’t think you did recover. I think you buried it and chose to deal with the overwhelming emotions with drugs and alcohol. It doesn’t excuse you for treating me the way you did, but I can relate now. I have so many unanswered questions. I’m just going to type them out here.

1. Why did you tease me all the time and call me names?
2. Why did you think it was okay to bully your own daughter?
3. Did you hate my mom?
4. Did you hate me?
5. Did you believe in God? Were you mad at God?
6. Did you actually love your second wife Patricia? Why were you violent?
7. Did kids tease you when you were a kid?
8. Were you popular in school or a stoner?
9. Do you have any regrets?

Dad, I think we could’ve been best friends. I think I’m a lot like you in many ways. We both love animals and nature. I’m so outdoorsy and absolutely love watching squirrels and other wildlife. I enjoy fishing. Just the other day I rescued a turtle from the road as well as a baby turkey. It was a moment that just truly made me happy. I’m 50 years old and I finally am not letting others judgements bother me so much. I’m living and finding joy in life. I pray to have many more years ahead of me to see my grandkids grow.

Oh, by the way, I do like black men. I think they’re sexy. Somehow you called it all those years ago. I’m not racist. Had I had any courage and self-confidence all those years ago, things would’ve been so different.

I forgive you dad. I love you. Please continue to watch over me because I know you are.

Thanks for reading friends.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

I’ve been vlogging on YouTube again. Feel free to check it out. Link is over on the side bar. Also over there is a link to my PayPal in case someone would wanna donate to my struggling butt.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

DottieMay ❤️

What’s New? Life Update

Has it really been 10 months since I’ve done a post?! Man o man…sorry for those that might actually look for me to write but I don’t think there’s any. I’ve had someone through YouTube check on me at one point but not here. How many people take time to read blogs? Are they still popular? Perhaps the ones that are actually about something and share valuable information. But personal blogs…I don’t know. I’d love to make money on this and YouTube. But I feel like I just don’t have a very exciting life and who wants to hear me whine continuously?

A lot has gone on in the last few months. I had been working a job as a Pharmacy Technician in training. I started in September of last year. Well, in April of this year, I stopped working. My reason was due to overwhelming pain in my feet and knees. I was brought to tears and I couldn’t even make it through a 4-hour shift. There was a part of me that figured I’d qualify for unemployment compensation. My doctor even submitted a medical statement to the UIA…but alas nothing. Initial decision was a denial but for some reason it still has you certify every couple weeks so I have been. But nothing comes of it other than a big fat zero! Turns out probably wasn’t a great decision on my part. Lesson learned.

As a result of having no income, I could no longer afford the rent where I was. Thankfully, my sister and brother-in-law opened their home to me and are letting me stay rent free. I help with groceries because I do at least get food assistance from the state. I’ve only been here nearly two weeks. I’m doing okay but have a lot of anxiety. I’m now in a completely different part of the state that I am unfamiliar with. 100 miles southwest of where I was. I’m actually closer to Lake Michigan now so that’s a nice benefit. And I’m near the Indiana border. I live in an area they refer to as Michiana.

So…the pain…what is it? Well, I don’t have an answer yet. With the move, I had to find a doctor down here. I have an appointment at the end of the month. I did go to a walk-in clinic because it’s just been excruciating…She referred me to a Dermatologist. I have irritated skin blotches here and there. I have 3 swollen toes and two swollen fingers. I have knee pain and wrist pain and even shoulder pain on one side. I’m wondering if I have some kind of auto immune thing going on like psoriatic arthritis or something. The doctor I did see said she’d like to see me get auto immune testing done so I’m not sure if that’s what the plan is yet or not. I’ll know more after my appointment. Mornings are absolutely horrible. Its when everything hurts the most. Pain level is an easy 10! I’ve cried out several times. I just turned 50 in May and I feel much older.

I have anxiety and fears of all this pain. I need to try to focus on the present and not worry about the future. It’s hard though. I’m afraid I won’t find anyone because I’m so broken. Although I’ve really stopped thinking about finding someone right now. I’ve even stopped chatting with unknown people who will not video chat.

I need to focus on me and get my ducks in a row. I’m so grateful to have a roof over my head and food to eat. I just need to work on finding some sort of income because I have car insurance due at the end of the month. I have court ordered car payments to make. I guess you probably don’t know about that either. Just another debt I couldn’t afford after the divorce and I wasn’t able to get it discharged in a bankruptcy like my ex did with his truck. Still bitter on that a bit. But yeah I was court ordered to pay $200 a month – $50 a week. It worked fine when I was working because the credit union would automatically deduct the $50/week. But now…I have zilch! I just keep updating them with my status. It’s all I can do. A few weeks back I needed a new tire for my car but thankfully a FB friend sent me $80 via Venmo so that helped. My other friend found me a good deal on a used tire.

I’ve been applying to jobs I think I can do and I’ve been in touch with Michigan Rehab as well. They help disabled people find work they can handle doing and in some cases even pay for an education or training to do the work. So I may look into that. I’m thinking either Graphic Arts or Medical Transcription. I just need mostly sedentary work.

Ok…how about some joys. First, my oldest daughter just got married in April. And…SHE’S EXPECTING A BABY!!! She is due mid January 2022. I’m SO excited to be a grammy. The heartbeat was 169 at her first OB appointment a couple days ago. The other good news is regarding my younger daughter. On June 25, her girlfriend proposed! I attended my first drag show that night as her girlfriend performs in drag. And actually I should get things right. She wants to transition so goes by Blaze and prefers he/him. I fully accept their partnership and I’m SO happy for my daughter. She is so happy! I love them unconditionally! And Blaze has two little girls so I claim them as my grandkids. They’re cuties.

Oh and I had gained some weight back and got up to 289 lbs. I just weighed this morning and have lost five pounds in the two weeks I’ve been here. I’m more comfortable at my sisters than I was up north.

Now…just need answers and hopefully some relief with all the pain. Because, I tell ya…it’s awful!!

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

Dottie May ❤

Good News/Bad News

Hello friends! I can’t believe so much time has passed since I last wrote an update. I really would like to write more but this laptop of mine crashes every time I use it. It’s a MacBook Pro…an older one. I don’t know why it continues to crash all the time but it’s quite frustrating.

So first of all, I want to share that I lost a good friend of mine on August 12. I was in shock! Just a few weeks prior I was texting him on his phone and sending Facebook messages to say hi and see how he was doing. But I never heard back from him. I didn’t know why. I finally decided to reach out to his son and asked him and that’s when he told me that Ron had passed away. He was found unresponsive in his room. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe it. I wish he would’ve responded to my texts but I don’t now what was going on. I know he had been battling alcoholism but had over 6 months sober so I don’t know if he relapsed and didn’t want to talk to me or what. I dated him for a short time last summer. I care a lot about him as a friend. He was 58. Much too young!

Now for some brighter news…this coming Tuesday I will be starting a new job as a Pharmacy Technician at Meijer. I’ve never worked in a pharmacy before so I’m nervous but excited. I hope I do well in learning. It’s a part time position; about 24 hours a week. For those that have been following me for awhile then Meijer should be familiar to you. I actually worked in the Meijer corporate offices for 28 years. I lost that job back in October of 2017. Wow…that just dawned on me that I’m approaching the anniversary of that job loss….October 3 was the day I was told my position was no longer needed. I can’t believe it’s been three years already. I never thought I’d work for Meijer again but I need money to pay bills so I’m doing what I can. It’s not paying anywhere near what I once made working for them. Again, I can’t complain.

I’m still working on getting used to my new living arrangements. I think being without my dog Oaklee is the biggest and most difficult adjustment. I miss her SO much! She is happy with her new owners though so that’s good. Thankfully I have friends with dogs so I can get puppy fixes on occasion. Oaklee can never be replaced though. I have always owned at least one dog since I was a little kid so to not have one is a huge change. I miss that unconditional love…A LOT! Loneliness overwhelms me at times.

There’s some other things I want to talk about but I think I’ll save that for another day. I hope I can write more regularly.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

Dottie ❤

Getting Frustrated

Good morning and happy Monday!

I’ve been getting a little frustrated lately due to unemployment. For weeks, things were fine but then after I updated my address, they put a stop payment indicator on my weeks that I’ve certified. I submitted my proof of identity a couple times and I’m still waiting to be paid. It’s been over four weeks now. Next Monday, I have to certify again and I’m just hoping this issue is resolved soon. I have bills to pay and I don’t wanna run out of money.

I will be looking for a job as well because the unemployment was due to end at the end of July. I could do Uber Eats Delivery…that would bring in some cash. So I will be considering that. It’d be better than nothing.

On another note, I weighed in this morning and I’m only down .6 for the week. I am a little discouraged because I’ve been really trying. I’ve been exercising more and keeping a food journal. I’ve been staying within my calories and getting in the necessary amount of protein. I hope next week is a better weigh in. Although at least I didn’t have a gain so that’s good. I have a long term goal of getting below 200 lbs. Right now, I’m weighing 262.4. I have 63.4 lbs to lose to get to 199 and I’d be ecstatic with that. My first mini goal is to get to 246. That’d bring me to my lowest weight in adulthood. I invested in an Apple Watch to help track my fitness. I really like it so far.

A couple of NSV’s (non-scale victories) I want to mention. Last week, I actually wore a swimsuit to the lake. Honestly, it had been years since I’d done that. I was always too embarrassed because of my size. I felt pretty good though. Another NSV is that I got myself a pair of sandals. I would never wear sandals before because I just thought my feet were fat and ugly. But I wore them and enjoyed it…although I need to get used to them. They kinda hurt my feet after a bit. I’m so used to wearing my socks and tennis shoes. I’m pretty proud of these NSV’s.

Yesterday was Father’s Day. My dad has been gone since 2011. I miss him. I hope all you dads out there had a nice enjoyable day and got spoiled by your loved ones.

I still think of finding love a lot. I just feel ready for it. My mind has been on one person a lot. Only God knows and I’m trying to be patient. I feel so ready for that chapter. I’m not going to push anything. I trust God to make my path straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Well I suppose that’s it for now. I hope you are all well. Take care of yourselves.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

Dottie May ❤

My Heart Hurts

Hello friends! Happy Tuesday.

In my last post, I briefly mentioned someone I had met at GriefShare. I also mentioned how much I liked and cared for this person. I’m not mentioning any names because I’m sure that would probably upset him. If he reads this, I’m sure he’ll figure it out. Anyway, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of his wife’s death. I’m hurting inside for him so much. I know how much these firsts and anniversary dates can be. I just don’t want to say the wrong things. I just want him to know that I care so deeply. I haven’t felt this kind of hurt in my heart in a while. I want to help and be there as good as a friend can be. I’ve lost loved ones but not a spouse, at least not in that way. My spousal loss hurt tremendously at the time but it’s just not the same. I need a hug.

I’m going to be honest and this may upset people and I can say that I’m sorry that I’ve thought this way. Back when I first got divorced, there were times when I wish I’d have lost him to death. I felt like that would’ve been easier than dealing with seeing him move on with such happiness without me. I’m so ashamed for feeling that way. But I was so angry and hurt at first. Sometimes I still hurt, but not because I don’t have him anymore. I hurt more because I’m just feeling lonely and ready to move on myself with someone to love and love me back. Loneliness sucks! I know that I have no control over this and that me finding love is not in my hands. I have to be patient and wait for the right one for me. One of my fears is being alone for the rest of my life.

Dear God please forgive me for thinking such thoughts. I’m still working through things. I’ll be honest, I was angry at God for a while. I wondered why it felt like my ex was being rewarded for such behavior. He has a girlfriend, is happy and didn’t lose a house and have so much hardship. I just read something though. It said “The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow.” This made me feel a bit better to think that the rainbow that I’ll eventually see is going to be bright and beautiful because I’ll tell you, the last couple years have been quite horrific. I’m still here to talk about it though even though there were times I felt I’d be better off dead. I’m glad I never followed through with those thoughts.

I feel I’m so much stronger as a result of all I’ve been dealing with. But some days, not so much. I’m feeling rather weak today. My heart and stomach are just flipping around. Perhaps I’ll have to take another trip to my happy place? I just went there yesterday. I feel self care is so important though. The lakeshore with the sound of the waves is my happy place. It really soothes my soul.

To my friend…my heart is with you now and as long as you’ll have me. I will be thinking about you and praying for comfort over the next few days and always. I love you more than I thought possible.

Thanks everyone for the support and kind words.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness

Dottie May ❤

Life Update

Happy Sunday friends! A couple things have happened over the last month. For starters, I had to re-home my dog Oaklee Anne. She was three years old and I loved her to bits but I could not take her to my new residence. It’s been a little sad and lonely without her but I’m doing my best to learn to live without a dog. It’s kinda weird because I believe this is the first time in my life I’ve had to live without a dog. I’ve always had at least one for as long as I can remember. Dogs leave lasting footprints on your heart that I know for certain.

The other thing that has happened is I moved! I’m renting a room from a lady I know. She used to babysit me as a kid and grew up in the house across the street from my childhood home. My room is nice and spacious. It is however new to me to be living with someone that is not family. I’m adjusting alright I think. I do miss seeing my daughter daily though. Although I’m guessing she is probably happy being back in her own place now. She had been staying with me since my hospitalization in November and all the while still paying rent on the place she has with a few other friends.

I’m forever grateful for her being there for me. I’m also grateful to my other daughter and her boyfriend as well. It was quite rocky when I was first released from the hospital. For the first few days I stayed with my oldest and her boyfriend. Some of the meds they had me on were causing some awful side effects…the worst being a weak bladder causing bed wetting. Talk about embarrassing. Then Kara agreed to stay at my house with me. She helped ensure I was taking my meds and she made sure I made it to my doctor appointments because I was unable to drive for awhile. I remember having awful dizziness whenever I got up to move. I couldn’t stand it. Thankfully, I am doing much better now. My psych provider removed most of the meds and I’m on just one and a half now. I take Seroquel before bed and in the morning I take half a Trintellix. I have no more dizziness and no more bed wetting. I no longer have to wear an adult diaper to bed…now I just use a pad…mostly because I’m paranoid I’ll leak.

It’s been a long few months. I’m so glad though that I have my friends and family. Speaking of friends…I met a great guy at GriefShare. Unfortunately, his wife passed and that’s why he was attending. I met him last Fall before my hospitalization. Our friendship has grown and if I’m being honest, I REALLY like him…ALOT! I’m trying not to push anything though as it’s only been a year (this coming Wednesday) since his wife passed. He knows how I feel though as I’ve shared with him. I’m just trying to be a good supportive friend; meanwhile hoping it develops into more.

Now that my mental illness is stable, I’m trying to focus on my weight loss again. I still have a good 70 lbs I’d like to lose. It’s not easy that’s for sure. But I got myself an Apple Watch and hoping I put it to good use. I’ve also been trying to eat better. I still struggle with drinking enough water though. I seem to do okay if its flavored water but I can’t do just plain water. I’m currently at 267.2 lbs. My short term goal is to get to 248. My longterm goal is to get below 200; even if it’s 199. I haven’t been below 200 in my entire adult life. I’d be ecstatic!

I hope you all are doing well. Things are slowly starting to open up here in Michigan. For that I’m grateful.

Take care and be safe.

Peace, Love, Happiness

Dottie May ❤

Lesson….Not Failure

Good day friends! For those that don’t know, I have been divorced for a little over two years now. And, when it first happened, I was crushed! Heartbroken beyond words. For the first time, I contemplated suicide because I didn’t think I could go on living, life wasn’t worth it. I’m glad that I didn’t follow through with any of that. But these last two years haven’t been easy. They’ve been a couple of the most difficult years I’ve been through. I still feel like I’m battling a storm, but it isn’t as bad as it once was. This month, the 24th to be exact, would’ve been my 29th wedding anniversary. And, I’ve been doing some packing to prepare for my move. The room I’ve been working on was a catch all and full of stuff. I ran across my wedding pictures. Memories can be difficult…no doubt about it. But all of it got me thinking about my marriage. For the better part of the two years, I’ve been believing that it was my fault the marriage ended. I saw myself as a failure of a wife. How could I not be since he said he didn’t love me anymore. Must be me.

Well…I’m here to say that I have turned things around. A marriage takes two and it was his decision to end it. I’m now viewing the marriage as a life lesson. It wasn’t a failed marriage and I am no failure! I wasn’t my true self in that marriage. The real me was buried. Only after the marriage ended did I start to find the true me. I also have God to thank for knowing he wasn’t the right one. He did after all step outside the marriage back in 2005. And perhaps, that’s when it should’ve ended but I couldn’t do it. I accepted his apology and worked my butt off to trust again. That marriage taught me a lot. I have grown so much stronger and way more independent in the last couple years. I know that one day I will be the perfect wife for the man that is truly meant for me. I do accept my part in the marriage ending because like I said, it takes two. I wasn’t all together there (probably due to my depression) and that is probably why he stepped outside the marriage and fell out of love. I’m happy to say that I’m on a great path to healing and I’m even happier that I see things for the way they should be. My therapist was really happy with my new way of thinking as well.

I’m not going to say that the 24th won’t be difficult this year; because it still might be. I just am thankful that all those years I ago I wasn’t able to get married on my birthday (the 25th) like I had wanted to. Could you imagine how awful my birthday would be? God knew back then the best and He knows now. The end of the month beginning of next, I’ll be moving to a new place so it’ll be another step in healing. I will no longer be connected to this house and it’s memories. A new chapter is about to start and I couldn’t be more thrilled…and slightly nervous I won’t lie. I’ve been in this house since 2002 so a new place will definitely be different. But a good different.

If you have had a divorce…first I’m sorry you had to go through that. I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s tough. But please, if you’re blaming yourself…stop. I guess there would be instances where one could be to blame, like an abusive situation…but if that doesn’t apply then please know that it’s not your fault. A good marriage takes two working together. If one isn’t willing, then the marriage won’t work, simple as that. I’m completely over my ex now. Do I still harbor some ill feelings…yes especially knowing he’s happily engaged, was able to do bankruptcy so he has no issues financially…I do harbor some ill feelings. I need to work on those. But one thing at a time.

My next chapter is starting…and God willing it’ll be a much better chapter than the previous!

Thanks for following along in my life journey. I appreciate you.

Peace ~ Love ~ Smiles

❤ Dottie May

Feeling Lonely

Good morning friends and happy Saturday. Also, happy new month. I can’t believe we’re into May now. It’s my birth month! I’m turning 49 on the 25th. I can’t believe that either. Time sure flies doesn’t it?

I have a problem. I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely lately. Like almost to the point of feeling physically sick. And, when I see couples holding hands or someone announcing their engagement, I feel tons worse. Jealousy much? Yes! I know it’s not right but I can’t help it or haven’t been able to help it yet. I’ve been divorced just over two years and I haven’t had a boyfriend at all in that time. Now I know, that’s not a very long time, but right now it’s feeling like it. I keep thinking I’m so ready to move on to the next chapter. But I know that its not something I have control over. I’m a believer so I know it’s in Gods hands. But I have been struggling with patience. I get so lonely that I’ve been talking to several people online. Unfortunately, you never really know who you’re talking to. Even pictures can’t tell the truth. So many people steal images off the internet and pretend to be someone they’re not. I hate that. Catfishing.

I actually put myself on a dating site, which I can’t believe I did. But I was hoping to meet some local guys. However, with this pandemic, meeting anyone is pretty difficult. I did meet a guy at a grocery store but he decided to go with another woman he met in the group. Yes, I’m also part of a few singles facebook groups. I don’t know if that really helps or hinders to be honest. Why can’t I just be happy with being single. And why are the feelings of loneliness so incredibly crippling?

Yesterday, I took myself to the lakeshore as it is my happy place. The sound of the waves hitting the shore is relaxing. I sat on the beach and all I could think about was how much more fun it’d be if someone was sitting next to me sharing in the moment. I have to get these thoughts out of my head because I’m not doing myself any bit of good. I know I have to be happy with where I’m at before anything else can come about. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

My therapist asked me what my happy would look like. I don’t need marriage or anything right now, but just having a relationship and someone to do things with and share experiences with, talk to, hug, cuddle and kiss. That would make me happy.

It’s supposed to be nice again today. I may go to the lakeshore again. I have a hard time staying inside when it’s so nice out. However, I will need to start some packing to prepare for moving. I’m still not sure when that’s going to happen yet. I wish someone would give me a date I guess. I would like to get an apartment of my own, but I haven’t been having good luck with that. My credit score sucks due to the divorce/losing my house and falling behind on everything. It’s a tough situation to be in.

I don’t know if this pandemic/stay home order is what is making things so much more difficult for me or what. It could very well be. I’m not seeing people like I used to. Not getting hugs or much conversation in person. Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. Our stay home order is supposed to be lifted on the 15th. We’ll see. I would love for things to open up and be able to visit people again. I miss my aunt and uncle a lot. I used to go to their place quite regularly. I do thank goodness for technology because at least we can keep in touch that way. But it’s not the same as face to face.

I hope you are all doing well. I thank you for following me and reading my posts. Writing does help some so I will plan to keep doing it. I post photos from the lakeshore to my Instagram so you can see those along the right. I’m also on Goodreads so you can see my progress and what I’m currently reading. I might try to do a little review on the books I read. I just am afraid that I’ll give away the story and I wouldn’t wanna do that. If you have some ideas for me on how to combat this lonely feeling, I’d love to hear them. For now, I’ll continue writing, coloring, listening to music and visiting the beach. I’ll try not to whine too much but I may just a little. That’s the purpose of a journal right? haha.

Take care lovelies and enjoy your day/weekend. I’ll be back soon.

Peace ~ Love ~ Smiles

Dottie May ❤