I weighed in on Saturday and amazingly enough I was down 3 lbs. I could not believe it. That stupid scale has been showing a small gain for weeks despite my effort. I just hope that it’ll keep going down. I really am trying. I’ve been tracking my food and trying to keep it under 1500 calories. I’ve been exercising – trying to get in 4 workouts per week at least. That’ll increase when I can get myself a swimsuit and return to the pool as well. We just re-upped our membership to the Y so that’s cool. Fall is definitely here. It’s been getting dark out earlier. I love Fall, but I don’t like that part of it.
This morning (a Monday), as usual I had some difficulty getting up and getting ready for work. I just didn’t want to go to work. That’s quite typical for me on most Monday’s I think. This morning though I felt a little more emotional than I have been. I even cried on my drive to work. Sometimes I think things just build up and then release. Yesterday, the 20th marked 13 years since I had my last miscarriage. I can’t believe we’d have a 12 year old right now. I’ve had two miscarriages. My first and fourth pregnancy. I was disappointed about the first of course, but I was also young and not quite married so I figured there was reason for it. My fourth, however, was more difficult. I had always wanted four kids. I do have four kids, it just so happens that only two are surviving. I love them to bits too. They are almost 21 and 18. I can’t believe they’re already adults. Time flies. I often time find myself crying too because time flies and I miss some of the younger days. I think perhaps it’s this midlife time that is a bit rough for me. We wrapped our lives around the kids and their activities. Now, that they’re graduated and off doing their thing, it’s a bit tough to get used to. I’ve struggled with the idea of going back to school, but I just don’t know if I really want to or not. I find myself feeling quite dissatisfied with my present job, but is that because I want something different for work, or I’d just rather not have to work so much? I really would like to see my husband own his own business and me just work along side him. I know it’d be a lot of work, but I think it’d be great. Of course, that all requires money…money we do not have. I think that too is tough, to be in our 40’s and struggling so much financially. Lack of money also weighs into the whole school thing. Sure, I could get student loans, but that’s more debt on top of all the student loan money I already owe (from my past failed attempts at school). SIGH
And, what would I go to school for? I toss around the idea of either graphic design (because I enjoy photography and videography) or something in the health and wellness field because I think I’d like to help others who are fighting the obesity monster. I don’t know.
Then, there’s this knee pain. I can’t stand it. It’s been aggravating me for a week now and really there’s nothing that can be done about it. I’ve got some arthritis and bone on bone issues and my weight just makes it all worse. I have cried at times because I can’t stand the pain. It sucks!
My husband has been dealing with a poor gall bladder. He sees the doctor again today. He hasn’t been able to eat much at all. When he does, a lot of the time, it comes back up. The pain is excruciating. I’m assuming he’ll need surgery; I just don’t know when it’ll be. I’m sure he’s wishing it was sooner than later. He’s quite sick of it too.
I think I just needed to rant a little. I’ll probably cry a little more too. Crying does seem to help.