Depression Hurts

This week has been one of the roughest in a while.  I have been battling my own depression and anxiety for some time.  This season in life isn’t helping in that area much.  I seem to cry all the time. I’ve always been quite sensitive and emotional, but I swear it’s ten fold now. It gets bothersome at times.  I have been crying every morning on my drive to work for over a month now.  The reason for the tears vary.  Sometimes it’s just work itself, other times I might hear a song that triggers a memory, other times I get to thinking about how fast my kids have grown and then there’s the times that I might worry about what’s next.  I swear my mind is non stop at times.  

But this past Monday…we were hit with a curve ball that I found very difficult.  My youngest daughter is 18. She had spent the previous week at a friend’s house.  Monday she informed us that she doesn’t like it at home and doesn’t feel loved or wanted.  She liked being other places because they showed concern. She didn’t like that we yell a lot (which I don’t), didn’t like that we are nagging her to get a job (that we have), etc.  The part that got me the most was that she didn’t feel loved. How is that possible I wondered?  I love my kids SO much. It really is indescribable the amount of love a parent has for their child.  I cried.  And cried… and cried more.  I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her so much.  My husband was able to talk with her and for now we will make the basement into a space for her.  She had thought she was going to live on campus for college somewhere, but that didn’t work out this year. She will instead be going to a community college.  Hearing your child say they’re unhappy with you or they don’t love you has to be one of the most difficult things to hear.  Notice I said one of the most difficult.  I know there are other situations that would be even harder to grasp.  Many times…that’s how I get through tough situations.  I think to myself.. “it could be worse”. I then pray.  

I have been going to counseling for a while now hoping to stop the cycle of family depression.  My grandmother had it, my mom, me…I was so hoping and trying to stop the cycle and prevent my kids from having to deal with it.  However, it didn’t work.  My youngest deals with depression as well.  She said that it is the depression that makes her feel the way she does.  She did tell us she loves us very much. Thank God.  I feel horrible that she is dealing with this pain as well. 

What the commercial say is true.  Depression hurts..not only the one dealing with it, but those around that person as well.  

I need to work on some things.  

1. Stop dwelling on past events… let it go and leave it in the past. It can’t be changed.

2. Live and appreciate the current moment.

3. Stop worrying about the future. Take it one day at a time. 

4. My weight and wellness.  I haven’t done well with this.  It seems whenever I get hit with a bout of sadness or depression, I stop exercising because I don’t “feel” like it.  Even though, I know in my mind that the exercise would actually help.  I have to do better with this.  My mom passed away in her 50’s due to morbid obesity.  I do not want my death certificate to say anything regarding obesity.  Of course I don’t want to think about death either, so I’ll just stop.

This past Saturday when I weighed in, I was up two pounds.  313.6  Of course it was that time of month, but still.  That’s not the direction I want the scale going in.  This week’s weigh in probably won’t be much better because this week has been a fail as far as exercise.

That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading.  

Peace. Love. Smile

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